So confused, so torn.

I try so hard for what? You never appreciate me.

Have you ever really thought about how many people you've interacted with, without using any words. Simple glances & gestures. Have you ever wonder what someone you've exchanged a glance with is thinking? I never really thought about this till today when I was buying gas. A guy just kept looking at me. We made eye contact multiple times. It felt like in those looks was something more, something I can't explain. Maybe a want, a need, a desire. Like words should of been coming out of his mouth but weren't. Like some how we knew each other but had never seen one another before.

My mind is a cluster fuck right now. I'm not happy, I just want to be happy.

Why would you keep someone around if you wanted someone else?

I want to be able to trust again. I don't know whats so hard about this, and why I can't just be outside of my own head. I get completely consumed by outrageous thoughts and start to believe these thoughts are going to be come reality. Maybe it's time to start talking to someone again, or be drugged again. I'm so difficult and horrible sometimes, and when I'm in those moments I cant stop. It's only after that I look back and realize how irrational I was. I blame all the problems on other people when really I do nothing to help it or stop it from happening in the first place. I want to be better and I want to feel normal. I don't want to constantly feel anxious and sick. I want to be open and fearless. I want the old me back.

fuck you

I know it really shouldn't matter and that I shouldn't let it define me but I miss my hair. I have no confidence what so ever in my appearance anymore. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel sexy or feminine at all. I fell like an ugly duck, and very awkward. Every single time I look in the mirror I want to cry. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how beautiful I am or how good my hair looks or anything, I still feel hideous. It frustrates me that something so stupid can make me feel this way. Why can't I just be happy with it and realize that never again in my life will my hair look like this so I might as well enjoy it. I just can't. I hate it so much and there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix it for at least another six months. Ugh, why am I such a girl? I just want to feel beautiful again.