jumble

Why am I this way? Why do I hide from every feeling, every chance of something good. I run from everything and I push everyone away. I want to know why, why do I act like this? Why do I feel the need to constantly do these things and regret them immediately after. Why does it seem like I act on every impulse I have? I'd like to say I'm happy with the person I am and that I live a happy life, but I'm not sure I feel that way. I'm only happy when I'm with my friends, as soon as I'm alone my mind wanders and I point out every little flaw. I just want to shut my brain off and I want to feel carefree and happy when I'm by myself. So how do i do that? How do I make myself see that everything really is fine and that I'm as lucky as can be? Where do you find constant happiness? I think I'm going to be alone forever because I can't let anyone in in that way. I can't let the past go.