I'm like a ticking time bomb, one of these days I'm just going to exploded. Fuck all the rules & fuck all the inhibitions. I'm getting what I want & nothing is going to stop me.

To me, to you & everyone.

You can't be alone with yourself, it kills you. No one is ever going to be good enough for you. You live for the attention and affection of others, but refuse to give it full heatedly back to any individual. No one will ever understand you? Of course they will, but you keep them at a safe distance so they can't. You like the idea of these admirers, but you'll never really love them until you love yourself.

life

I don't care, I love it, I love it. Feeling so good, light & free.

So yea, tomorrow is my first self confidence improvement session. I don't know what to think about this. I hate talking about feelings, and having people analyze me, but I guess this is necessary, and will help me. I think it's going to be a load of shit, but I could be wrong. Can't wait to hear how fucked up the new guy thinks I am.

Of course I miss the way things used to be, but you don't see that. How am I supposed to try and change things when you won't give me a chance. I've done all I can. I've lost sleep, shed tears and tried to see you, but nothing matters. You obviously don't want this, but something is holding you back from saying that. I think I'm done fighting for someone who obviously doesn't want me. You say you love me & you say you care, so show it now or leave. The balls in your court.

Twenty. I know it's just a number and that age doesn't matter, but it scares me. I know I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me but, I feel uneasy. Yea, It's just another day marking another year although it makes me anxious. I'm getting older, life is passing by, and I'm scared I won't find all the things I'm looking for.

" I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. "