Friday, December 21, 2012
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Thursday, November 22, 2012
Monday, November 19, 2012
I have this problem with pushing people away. Sometimes I just get in to moods where I don't want to be around anyone, or talk to anyone. I just want to be alone, but when I'm alone I can't stand it. I miss you. I'm always thinking about you and I hate myself for that. After everything I went through with you, and after all the things you said to me & did to me. Some nights you're all I want and it fucking kills me. I think of all the good times and it makes me sad, but then I think of all the bad things and it makes me even sadder. We were so toxic. I wish we could have let each other in, I wish we didn't run from each other. I loved you, but you didn't understand what that meant.
Sunday, November 18, 2012
Tuesday, November 6, 2012
Blue Jeans
Blue jeans, white shirt
Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn
It was like, James Dean, for sure
You're so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer
You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop
But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know
That love is mean, and love hurts
But I still remember that day we met in december, oh baby
I will love you 'til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you 'til the end of time
Big dreams, gangster
Said you had to leave to start your life over
I was like, “No please, stay here,
We don't need no money we can make it all work,”
But he headed out on sunday, said he'd come home monday
I stayed up waitin', anticipatin', and pacin'
But he was chasing paper
"Caught up in the game" ‒ that was the last I heard
I will love you 'til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you 'til the end of time
You went out every night
And baby that's alright
I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side
Cause Imma ride or die
Whether you fail or fly
Well shit at least you tried.
But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died
I told you I wanted more-but that's not what I had in mind
I just want it like before
We were dancing all night
Then they took you away-stole you out of my life
You just need to remember....
I will love you 'til the end of time
I would wait a million years
Promise you'll remember that you're mine
Baby can you see through the tears
Love you more
Than those bitches before
Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember
I will love you 'til the end of time
Wednesday, October 31, 2012
Sunday, October 28, 2012
All I want to do is focus on myself and being happy. I just want to have fun and be on my own. I don't have time or feel the need to put effort in to things that don't interest me. You can call me a bitch all you want but I don't care. I want to do what I want to. I'm sick of trying to please other people.
Tuesday, October 16, 2012
I feel good. Things are finally starting to be okay. I'm getting where I want to be and I'm proving myself. I'm working hard to get where I want. Sometimes I want to give up, but I know all this hard work and extra time & hours I put in with be worth it in the end. I want this & I'm going to get it.
Wednesday, October 10, 2012
Sunday, October 7, 2012
Sunday, September 30, 2012
To me, to you & everyone.
You can't be alone with yourself, it kills you. No one is ever going to be good enough for you. You live for the attention and affection of others, but refuse to give it full heatedly back to any individual. No one will ever understand you? Of course they will, but you keep them at a safe distance so they can't. You like the idea of these admirers, but you'll never really love them until you love yourself.
Monday, September 24, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
So yea, tomorrow is my first self confidence improvement session. I don't know what to think about this. I hate talking about feelings, and having people analyze me, but I guess this is necessary, and will help me. I think it's going to be a load of shit, but I could be wrong. Can't wait to hear how fucked up the new guy thinks I am.
Thursday, September 20, 2012
Of course I miss the way things used to be, but you don't see that. How am I supposed to try and change things when you won't give me a chance. I've done all I can. I've lost sleep, shed tears and tried to see you, but nothing matters. You obviously don't want this, but something is holding you back from saying that. I think I'm done fighting for someone who obviously doesn't want me. You say you love me & you say you care, so show it now or leave. The balls in your court.
Monday, September 17, 2012
Twenty. I know it's just a number and that age doesn't matter, but it scares me. I know I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me but, I feel uneasy. Yea, It's just another day marking another year although it makes me anxious. I'm getting older, life is passing by, and I'm scared I won't find all the things I'm looking for.
Sunday, September 16, 2012
" I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. "
Monday, September 10, 2012
People are most likely going to tell you what you want to hear, this is where I have a problem with most people. I don't want you to tell me the things I want to hear, I want you to tell me the truth. I don't give a damn if you think I can't handle it, or if you don't want to hurt my feelings. I would rather hurt than be mislead. This is me asking for it. For once it would be so refreshing to just meet someone who wasn't so full of shit. I'm over the games & the lies. I'm not the type of person to sit back and lie through my teeth; if you ask me something you're getting an honest response. I believe this is why I can;t open up to anyone. How am I supposed to be honest and real when no one else seems to be?
Sunday, September 9, 2012
Friday, September 7, 2012
Wednesday, September 5, 2012
stand up or, sit down
My problem is that I can never demand things for myself & when I try, they back fire on me. I just let everyone walk all over me.
Tuesday, September 4, 2012
Darling
What is wrong with me? I think to much, I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I wish I could just turn my brain off and enjoy just being. I just want to be able to have a good day with you. Why do we always hate each other? I just want a day of smiles and laughs and cuddles. What's happening to us? I miss you, I miss the care free me. I'm dying for your attention and affection.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Saturday, July 21, 2012
Have you ever really thought about how many people you've interacted with, without using any words. Simple glances & gestures. Have you ever wonder what someone you've exchanged a glance with is thinking? I never really thought about this till today when I was buying gas. A guy just kept looking at me. We made eye contact multiple times. It felt like in those looks was something more, something I can't explain. Maybe a want, a need, a desire. Like words should of been coming out of his mouth but weren't. Like some how we knew each other but had never seen one another before.
Monday, June 18, 2012
I want to be able to trust again. I don't know whats so hard about this, and why I can't just be outside of my own head. I get completely consumed by outrageous thoughts and start to believe these thoughts are going to be come reality. Maybe it's time to start talking to someone again, or be drugged again. I'm so difficult and horrible sometimes, and when I'm in those moments I cant stop. It's only after that I look back and realize how irrational I was. I blame all the problems on other people when really I do nothing to help it or stop it from happening in the first place. I want to be better and I want to feel normal. I don't want to constantly feel anxious and sick. I want to be open and fearless. I want the old me back.
Monday, May 28, 2012
fuck you
I know it really shouldn't matter and that I shouldn't let it define me but I miss my hair. I have no confidence what so ever in my appearance anymore. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel sexy or feminine at all. I fell like an ugly duck, and very awkward. Every single time I look in the mirror I want to cry. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how beautiful I am or how good my hair looks or anything, I still feel hideous. It frustrates me that something so stupid can make me feel this way. Why can't I just be happy with it and realize that never again in my life will my hair look like this so I might as well enjoy it. I just can't. I hate it so much and there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix it for at least another six months. Ugh, why am I such a girl?
I just want to feel beautiful again.
Monday, May 7, 2012
Saturday, April 21, 2012
Friday, April 13, 2012
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Sunday, April 8, 2012
I really wish I could spend more time with my Nephews. Every time I see them, they instantly brighten my day. Every little thing is so magical to them and they're always smiling and laughing. No worries no problems, just love and laughter. I wish I could go back to being a kid and seeing life through their innocent eyes.
Friday, April 6, 2012
Can I just for once in my life have one day were I can fully enjoy my accomplishments and be proud of myself without having someone put me down? Is this really too much to ask for? You always make me feel like shit about myself and make me feel like the things I've done aren't good enough. I know I shouldn't feel that way but, it always hurts when the people who matter the most to you don't acknowledge you're triumphs. I just wanted one day, to be congratulated and showered in compliments. You ruined it for me. You constantly break my heart.
Sunday, April 1, 2012
Thursday, March 22, 2012
Wednesday, March 14, 2012
Monday, March 12, 2012
Moats & Boats and Waterfalls
I miss everything. I'm not to proud or scared to admit that. I miss you. I may not have been in love with you but I loved you. I still wish we worked but we could never figure each other out. We hid from emotions, we hid from each other.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
Go ahead and say I'm a bad friend, but maybe before you go pointing fingers stop for a second and think. How would you feel if someone barged their way in to your life and constantly tired to take your place to the point of you backing down and letting it all go... Yeah it fucking sucks. It's not even just having to know that, but also the fact that it's all that person will talk about. Every other word is about the people who were once your escape. So sorry for making myself distant and not wanting to have to continuously hurt. If that makes me a bitch and a bad friend in your eyes then, so be it. This is how I cope. You just don't get it, you don't see how much you're hurting me. Or maybe you do and for some reason you find joy in that. You feel superior. Just remember where you'd be if it wasn't for me. You're welcome.
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Hair Life
Today marked the first official day of the rest of my life. I got a job at Chrome Hair Design, an Aveda concept salon. One of the most high end salons in Calgary. This means giving up the move for at least a year. To me it's worth it. This is so exciting and I can not wait to finally be working in the field that I've been training in. I'm growing up, this is my first REAL job... or more like career move. It's so exciting but also extremely nerve wrecking. First day on Friday! Can't wait !!
Monday, February 6, 2012
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