I'm finally happy. I'm exactly where I want to be. It's funny how things work out..

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be capable of being happy.

Of course I would start falling for someone else then, take a step back and have you flood my mind.

better off

Minor lapse in judgment, hope you can understand.

I have this problem with pushing people away. Sometimes I just get in to moods where I don't want to be around anyone, or talk to anyone. I just want to be alone, but when I'm alone I can't stand it. I miss you. I'm always thinking about you and I hate myself for that. After everything I went through with you, and after all the things you said to me & did to me. Some nights you're all I want and it fucking kills me. I think of all the good times and it makes me sad, but then I think of all the bad things and it makes me even sadder. We were so toxic. I wish we could have let each other in, I wish we didn't run from each other. I loved you, but you didn't understand what that meant.

I want to be able to tell you, but I'm too scared. This kills me, why do things have to be so complicated? Why do I have emotions?

I'm scared to lose you so I'm just going to keep my mouth shut.

Blue Jeans

Blue jeans, white shirt Walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn It was like, James Dean, for sure You're so fresh to death and sick as ca-cancer You were sorta punk rock, I grew up on hip hop But you fit me better than my favourite sweater, and I know That love is mean, and love hurts But I still remember that day we met in december, oh baby I will love you 'til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you'll remember that you're mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember I will love you 'til the end of time Big dreams, gangster Said you had to leave to start your life over I was like, “No please, stay here, We don't need no money we can make it all work,” But he headed out on sunday, said he'd come home monday I stayed up waitin', anticipatin', and pacin' But he was chasing paper "Caught up in the game" ‒ that was the last I heard I will love you 'til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you'll remember that you're mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember I will love you 'til the end of time You went out every night And baby that's alright I told you that no matter what you did I'd be by your side Cause Imma ride or die Whether you fail or fly Well shit at least you tried. But when you walked out that door, a piece of me died I told you I wanted more-but that's not what I had in mind I just want it like before We were dancing all night Then they took you away-stole you out of my life You just need to remember.... I will love you 'til the end of time I would wait a million years Promise you'll remember that you're mine Baby can you see through the tears Love you more Than those bitches before Say you'll remember, oh baby, say you'll remember I will love you 'til the end of time

What's wrong with me? After everything? All the lies & the fucking around... Who am I? What am I thinking?

All I want to do is focus on myself and being happy. I just want to have fun and be on my own. I don't have time or feel the need to put effort in to things that don't interest me. You can call me a bitch all you want but I don't care. I want to do what I want to. I'm sick of trying to please other people.

I feel good. Things are finally starting to be okay. I'm getting where I want to be and I'm proving myself. I'm working hard to get where I want. Sometimes I want to give up, but I know all this hard work and extra time & hours I put in with be worth it in the end. I want this & I'm going to get it.

I wish you never lied about all those things. I wish you didn't do all those things you said you never would.

I'm like a ticking time bomb, one of these days I'm just going to exploded. Fuck all the rules & fuck all the inhibitions. I'm getting what I want & nothing is going to stop me.

To me, to you & everyone.

You can't be alone with yourself, it kills you. No one is ever going to be good enough for you. You live for the attention and affection of others, but refuse to give it full heatedly back to any individual. No one will ever understand you? Of course they will, but you keep them at a safe distance so they can't. You like the idea of these admirers, but you'll never really love them until you love yourself.

life

I don't care, I love it, I love it. Feeling so good, light & free.

So yea, tomorrow is my first self confidence improvement session. I don't know what to think about this. I hate talking about feelings, and having people analyze me, but I guess this is necessary, and will help me. I think it's going to be a load of shit, but I could be wrong. Can't wait to hear how fucked up the new guy thinks I am.

Of course I miss the way things used to be, but you don't see that. How am I supposed to try and change things when you won't give me a chance. I've done all I can. I've lost sleep, shed tears and tried to see you, but nothing matters. You obviously don't want this, but something is holding you back from saying that. I think I'm done fighting for someone who obviously doesn't want me. You say you love me & you say you care, so show it now or leave. The balls in your court.

Twenty. I know it's just a number and that age doesn't matter, but it scares me. I know I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me but, I feel uneasy. Yea, It's just another day marking another year although it makes me anxious. I'm getting older, life is passing by, and I'm scared I won't find all the things I'm looking for.

" I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. "

People are most likely going to tell you what you want to hear, this is where I have a problem with most people. I don't want you to tell me the things I want to hear, I want you to tell me the truth. I don't give a damn if you think I can't handle it, or if you don't want to hurt my feelings. I would rather hurt than be mislead. This is me asking for it. For once it would be so refreshing to just meet someone who wasn't so full of shit. I'm over the games & the lies. I'm not the type of person to sit back and lie through my teeth; if you ask me something you're getting an honest response. I believe this is why I can;t open up to anyone. How am I supposed to be honest and real when no one else seems to be?

How did this whole situation even happen? Is this real life? Uh oh, here we go again...

Sometimes you just don't know. You lose sight of everything you we're working towards, everything that was important to you. Sometimes you just get lost. At this moment in time I feel lost. Where am I? Can someone please help me get out of here?

stand up or, sit down

My problem is that I can never demand things for myself & when I try, they back fire on me. I just let everyone walk all over me.

Darling

What is wrong with me? I think to much, I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I wish I could just turn my brain off and enjoy just being. I just want to be able to have a good day with you. Why do we always hate each other? I just want a day of smiles and laughs and cuddles. What's happening to us? I miss you, I miss the care free me. I'm dying for your attention and affection.

So confused, so torn.

I try so hard for what? You never appreciate me.

Have you ever really thought about how many people you've interacted with, without using any words. Simple glances & gestures. Have you ever wonder what someone you've exchanged a glance with is thinking? I never really thought about this till today when I was buying gas. A guy just kept looking at me. We made eye contact multiple times. It felt like in those looks was something more, something I can't explain. Maybe a want, a need, a desire. Like words should of been coming out of his mouth but weren't. Like some how we knew each other but had never seen one another before.

My mind is a cluster fuck right now. I'm not happy, I just want to be happy.

Why would you keep someone around if you wanted someone else?

I want to be able to trust again. I don't know whats so hard about this, and why I can't just be outside of my own head. I get completely consumed by outrageous thoughts and start to believe these thoughts are going to be come reality. Maybe it's time to start talking to someone again, or be drugged again. I'm so difficult and horrible sometimes, and when I'm in those moments I cant stop. It's only after that I look back and realize how irrational I was. I blame all the problems on other people when really I do nothing to help it or stop it from happening in the first place. I want to be better and I want to feel normal. I don't want to constantly feel anxious and sick. I want to be open and fearless. I want the old me back.

fuck you

I know it really shouldn't matter and that I shouldn't let it define me but I miss my hair. I have no confidence what so ever in my appearance anymore. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel sexy or feminine at all. I fell like an ugly duck, and very awkward. Every single time I look in the mirror I want to cry. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how beautiful I am or how good my hair looks or anything, I still feel hideous. It frustrates me that something so stupid can make me feel this way. Why can't I just be happy with it and realize that never again in my life will my hair look like this so I might as well enjoy it. I just can't. I hate it so much and there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix it for at least another six months. Ugh, why am I such a girl? I just want to feel beautiful again.

I just don't know what to do. You lied straight to my face. This makes no sense to me what so ever.

I am just beyond frustrated. Is this ever going to work out? I just want to be happy and focus on my career and live my life without having to worry about pissing someone off. I miss being young and carefree.

I miss my friends

You still have no faith in me. After everything I've accomplished... it hurts.

I really wish I could spend more time with my Nephews. Every time I see them, they instantly brighten my day. Every little thing is so magical to them and they're always smiling and laughing. No worries no problems, just love and laughter. I wish I could go back to being a kid and seeing life through their innocent eyes.

Can I just for once in my life have one day were I can fully enjoy my accomplishments and be proud of myself without having someone put me down? Is this really too much to ask for? You always make me feel like shit about myself and make me feel like the things I've done aren't good enough. I know I shouldn't feel that way but, it always hurts when the people who matter the most to you don't acknowledge you're triumphs. I just wanted one day, to be congratulated and showered in compliments. You ruined it for me. You constantly break my heart.

I just don't know anymore. Everything I thought I wanted might not be all I really want anymore.

I just keep trying to be positive about this and give you the benefit of the doubt. But it's hard and I'm scared.

March 23rd needs to come faster... every time I see the trailer for The Hunger Games I almost pee my pants.

Moats & Boats and Waterfalls

I miss everything. I'm not to proud or scared to admit that. I miss you. I may not have been in love with you but I loved you. I still wish we worked but we could never figure each other out. We hid from emotions, we hid from each other.

Go ahead and say I'm a bad friend, but maybe before you go pointing fingers stop for a second and think. How would you feel if someone barged their way in to your life and constantly tired to take your place to the point of you backing down and letting it all go... Yeah it fucking sucks. It's not even just having to know that, but also the fact that it's all that person will talk about. Every other word is about the people who were once your escape. So sorry for making myself distant and not wanting to have to continuously hurt. If that makes me a bitch and a bad friend in your eyes then, so be it. This is how I cope. You just don't get it, you don't see how much you're hurting me. Or maybe you do and for some reason you find joy in that. You feel superior. Just remember where you'd be if it wasn't for me. You're welcome.

Hi, my name's Jenn and I now have 2 jobs in hair salons and I basically just signed my social life away and agreed to work a minimum of 50 hours a week :)

Hair Life

Today marked the first official day of the rest of my life. I got a job at Chrome Hair Design, an Aveda concept salon. One of the most high end salons in Calgary. This means giving up the move for at least a year. To me it's worth it. This is so exciting and I can not wait to finally be working in the field that I've been training in. I'm growing up, this is my first REAL job... or more like career move. It's so exciting but also extremely nerve wrecking. First day on Friday! Can't wait !!

Never been afraid

Positive thoughts, positive vibes. I can do this. I can do anything.