I fucked up, and I take full responsibility for that. I just miss you, and this sucks. I don't think I'll ever get over this.

I will always miss you

I see you in everything that is good. Everything I am excited about, every time I smile I want you to be there to share that moment with me. But you're not here anymore and that really sucks. I miss the way things used to be. I miss you. I miss knowing that no matter what was going on in my life and no matter how bad my day was that you would be there to make it all better and bring a smile to my face. I miss the love of a best friend. I miss my best friend.

All I can think of lately is running away to a small town, working in a coffee shop or book store and figuring out who I am & what I want to do with my life. The temptation is growing stronger each and every day. 

Do you ever just remember the good moments in life. Do you look back and remember how you felt at that moment in time? Do you ever let those feelings take you over. Do you ever feel instantly sad afterwards? Sad because you never wanted those feelings to end. Sad because you don't know if you'll ever feel like that ever again. I miss so many things and so many people in my life. I just wish I could go back. I'm so sorry. 

I know I'm about to make a lot of people very unhappy with this decision. To be completely honest, I don't really care. I'm constantly worried about how my actions are going to affect others and for once I need to do something entirely for me. You could say that that's being selfish but that's what I need to be right now. My health is the most important thing and I realize that now. This will be good for me.. I hope. I'm sick and tired of felling like this and this is something I've wanted for a very long time. It's going to take a lot of help from other people which is something I'm not proud of asking for but the fact that they are willing and there for me means a lot to me. I need this break and I may not be so keen on it but I know it's for the best. I may regret it for awhile and that's okay because I know in the end it will be worth it. I'm not going to say I'm sorry to those of you who will be upset by this. What I will say is that if you truly love me you will understand my decision.

Have you ever just watched a movie on mute. Just watched, and tried to figure out what they were feeling. What was going on through their expressions and body language. Tried to imagine how they were feeling, and putting yourself in that moment. 

something in the way she moves

I think that you scare me the most because I know I'm falling for you. I try so hard to push you away and tell myself that everything is fine, that I will be able to pick up and move on when the time comes. I know I won't be able to do that anymore. It's too late. I miss you being near me every second of every day. How is this ever supposed to work? I am going to break my own heart and I don't even care because you're worth it to me.

I feel like I'm losing everyone close to me, or am I just pushing them away?

I just don't know anymore. 

Everything just falls apart at once. I'm unsure of everything right now and that scares me. I don't feel like I'm in control anymore. I need someone to be there for me but it just seems like everyone needs me to be there for them. 

I think that you really damaged me more than I'd like to think. I was toxic and you were unsure.

I just really need a friend right now

I think that maybe I just don't know who I am or what I really want from life. Maybe I just tell myself that I'm happy with my life because why shouldn't I be? I just pictured things so differently. I feel like I haven't been able to really live, really experience myself being thrown out in to the world. I crave that in my life. Or maybe I'm just unappreciative of what I have. I'm always wanting more, something more. I'm constantly searching for something to make me feel whole. Am I ever going to find that? Sometimes I just wish that I could runaway to a foreign place and be by myself for awhile. I don't think I really make sense, and I think that a lot of people misunderstand me. I think that people just see what they want to see from me, and are disappointed when they see the me that is "me". I wish that I could be more confident in the person that I am. I wish that I could love myself the way other people do. I wish that I could appreciate what I have more than I do. I wish that things were more clear and that people weren't so shitty sometimes. I wish for a lot of things, but wishing doesn't always make things happen.

I want to fill my brain with knowledge. I want to read till my eyes can't stay open any longer. I want to learn until my brain hurts. I just want so much more from myself. I'm just looking for answers.

I need to be more appreciative of myself.

Stay

I just wish that I could have been more open, less scared and nervous and really me. I am a pussy bitch. I don't understand the things you say and I wish that I could see myself how you see me. I have so many questions that I'm too scared to ask. I wish you didn't have to go because I miss you already. You are the most amazing person I've ever met and I wish I could have you near me all the time.

Love you always

Losing someone is really hard, you loved me and cared for me from day one. I miss you already Grandma RIP. Give gramps and baboo a big kiss for me. Love you always.

High heels

I'm confused only because I don't know how to explain it. It's like you live your whole life thinking that you're a certain person, and then in a split second you're questioning everything. It's like I've never felt so attracted to a person in my entire life. From the moment I saw you I was intrigued. When you were near me it's like I felt complete, like everything was going to be okay and I didn't care about anything else because you were there. I just met you so how is that even possible? I should have kissed you but I was scared, scared to open myself up like that but I miss you already and I really hope that I see you again. You're far too beautiful for me to ever forget.

jumble

Why am I this way? Why do I hide from every feeling, every chance of something good. I run from everything and I push everyone away. I want to know why, why do I act like this? Why do I feel the need to constantly do these things and regret them immediately after. Why does it seem like I act on every impulse I have? I'd like to say I'm happy with the person I am and that I live a happy life, but I'm not sure I feel that way. I'm only happy when I'm with my friends, as soon as I'm alone my mind wanders and I point out every little flaw. I just want to shut my brain off and I want to feel carefree and happy when I'm by myself. So how do i do that? How do I make myself see that everything really is fine and that I'm as lucky as can be? Where do you find constant happiness? I think I'm going to be alone forever because I can't let anyone in in that way. I can't let the past go.

Yes I'm sad, yes I'm confused and broken. I have no idea what I want ever, and will I ever find the answers I'm looking for? I don't know. I'm trying not to care but the truth is that I do, and I don't know if I can keep hiding that.

So confused. I think I made the wrong decision and i'm sick to my stomach. I hate this, I hate this stress. Why don't I listen to my gut?

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