To me, to you & everyone.

You can't be alone with yourself, it kills you. No one is ever going to be good enough for you. You live for the attention and affection of others, but refuse to give it full heatedly back to any individual. No one will ever understand you? Of course they will, but you keep them at a safe distance so they can't. You like the idea of these admirers, but you'll never really love them until you love yourself.

life

I don't care, I love it, I love it. Feeling so good, light & free.

So yea, tomorrow is my first self confidence improvement session. I don't know what to think about this. I hate talking about feelings, and having people analyze me, but I guess this is necessary, and will help me. I think it's going to be a load of shit, but I could be wrong. Can't wait to hear how fucked up the new guy thinks I am.

Of course I miss the way things used to be, but you don't see that. How am I supposed to try and change things when you won't give me a chance. I've done all I can. I've lost sleep, shed tears and tried to see you, but nothing matters. You obviously don't want this, but something is holding you back from saying that. I think I'm done fighting for someone who obviously doesn't want me. You say you love me & you say you care, so show it now or leave. The balls in your court.

Twenty. I know it's just a number and that age doesn't matter, but it scares me. I know I'm young & I have my whole life ahead of me but, I feel uneasy. Yea, It's just another day marking another year although it makes me anxious. I'm getting older, life is passing by, and I'm scared I won't find all the things I'm looking for.

" I thought I understood it, that I could grasp it. But I didn't, not really. Only the smudgeness of it; the pink-slippered, all-containered, semi-precious eagerness of it. I didn't realize it would sometimes be more than whole, that the wholeness was a rather luxurious idea. Because it's the halves that halve you in half. I didn't know, don't know, about the in-between bits; the gory bits of you, and the gory bits of me. "

People are most likely going to tell you what you want to hear, this is where I have a problem with most people. I don't want you to tell me the things I want to hear, I want you to tell me the truth. I don't give a damn if you think I can't handle it, or if you don't want to hurt my feelings. I would rather hurt than be mislead. This is me asking for it. For once it would be so refreshing to just meet someone who wasn't so full of shit. I'm over the games & the lies. I'm not the type of person to sit back and lie through my teeth; if you ask me something you're getting an honest response. I believe this is why I can;t open up to anyone. How am I supposed to be honest and real when no one else seems to be?

How did this whole situation even happen? Is this real life? Uh oh, here we go again...

Sometimes you just don't know. You lose sight of everything you we're working towards, everything that was important to you. Sometimes you just get lost. At this moment in time I feel lost. Where am I? Can someone please help me get out of here?

stand up or, sit down

My problem is that I can never demand things for myself & when I try, they back fire on me. I just let everyone walk all over me.

Darling

What is wrong with me? I think to much, I drive myself crazy with my own thoughts. I wish I could just turn my brain off and enjoy just being. I just want to be able to have a good day with you. Why do we always hate each other? I just want a day of smiles and laughs and cuddles. What's happening to us? I miss you, I miss the care free me. I'm dying for your attention and affection.