I want to be able to trust again. I don't know whats so hard about this, and why I can't just be outside of my own head. I get completely consumed by outrageous thoughts and start to believe these thoughts are going to be come reality. Maybe it's time to start talking to someone again, or be drugged again. I'm so difficult and horrible sometimes, and when I'm in those moments I cant stop. It's only after that I look back and realize how irrational I was. I blame all the problems on other people when really I do nothing to help it or stop it from happening in the first place. I want to be better and I want to feel normal. I don't want to constantly feel anxious and sick. I want to be open and fearless. I want the old me back.

fuck you

I know it really shouldn't matter and that I shouldn't let it define me but I miss my hair. I have no confidence what so ever in my appearance anymore. I don't feel beautiful, I don't feel sexy or feminine at all. I fell like an ugly duck, and very awkward. Every single time I look in the mirror I want to cry. It doesn't matter how many people tell me how beautiful I am or how good my hair looks or anything, I still feel hideous. It frustrates me that something so stupid can make me feel this way. Why can't I just be happy with it and realize that never again in my life will my hair look like this so I might as well enjoy it. I just can't. I hate it so much and there's absolutely nothing I can do to fix it for at least another six months. Ugh, why am I such a girl? I just want to feel beautiful again.

I just don't know what to do. You lied straight to my face. This makes no sense to me what so ever.

I am just beyond frustrated. Is this ever going to work out? I just want to be happy and focus on my career and live my life without having to worry about pissing someone off. I miss being young and carefree.

I miss my friends

You still have no faith in me. After everything I've accomplished... it hurts.

I really wish I could spend more time with my Nephews. Every time I see them, they instantly brighten my day. Every little thing is so magical to them and they're always smiling and laughing. No worries no problems, just love and laughter. I wish I could go back to being a kid and seeing life through their innocent eyes.