High heels

I'm confused only because I don't know how to explain it. It's like you live your whole life thinking that you're a certain person, and then in a split second you're questioning everything. It's like I've never felt so attracted to a person in my entire life. From the moment I saw you I was intrigued. When you were near me it's like I felt complete, like everything was going to be okay and I didn't care about anything else because you were there. I just met you so how is that even possible? I should have kissed you but I was scared, scared to open myself up like that but I miss you already and I really hope that I see you again. You're far too beautiful for me to ever forget.

jumble

Why am I this way? Why do I hide from every feeling, every chance of something good. I run from everything and I push everyone away. I want to know why, why do I act like this? Why do I feel the need to constantly do these things and regret them immediately after. Why does it seem like I act on every impulse I have? I'd like to say I'm happy with the person I am and that I live a happy life, but I'm not sure I feel that way. I'm only happy when I'm with my friends, as soon as I'm alone my mind wanders and I point out every little flaw. I just want to shut my brain off and I want to feel carefree and happy when I'm by myself. So how do i do that? How do I make myself see that everything really is fine and that I'm as lucky as can be? Where do you find constant happiness? I think I'm going to be alone forever because I can't let anyone in in that way. I can't let the past go.

Yes I'm sad, yes I'm confused and broken. I have no idea what I want ever, and will I ever find the answers I'm looking for? I don't know. I'm trying not to care but the truth is that I do, and I don't know if I can keep hiding that.

So confused. I think I made the wrong decision and i'm sick to my stomach. I hate this, I hate this stress. Why don't I listen to my gut?

No comment.

I'm finally happy. I'm exactly where I want to be. It's funny how things work out..

Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever be capable of being happy.